The Gods Must Be Crazy
by obsidians
Summary: This is a special story for New Years. The Goddess Minerva visits Vahalla and tells Odin, Thor and Loki of the story of Sephiroth's life and they decide to meddle in his affairs to try and connect him with the woman Minerva meant him to be with.


I don't own FF7 or its characters and make no profit from writing these stories.

"Minerva. it's been too long" Odin said, going to embrace her and kissing her on each proffered cheek.

"Odin, yes it seems like ages since I have last visited Valhalla" Minerva said. "How are your sons?" she asked him.

"Over here" said Thor, giving his friend a hug.

"And right behind you" Loki said, hugging her from behind.

"My, but you both seem to get more handsome with time" she complimented the blonde and brunette.

"Don't say that to Thor; his head can barely fit in his helmet as it is" Loki said, clapping his blonde brother on one of his broad shoulders.

"Come on, Minerva didn't come all this way to hear petty family squabbles" Odin said. "Let's us feast and drink" he declared.

"So how are things on Gaia?" he asked her as they sat at the long table.

"Nothing changes much on Gaia" she replied.

"On Earth neither. A human life seems to last the blink of an eye and yet they celebrate the end of each year and the birth of the new year up until their demise. It is commendable for them to do that" Odin said and he indicated to a large screen TV where it showed random people celebrating New Year's Eve all over the world.

Minerva looked at the screen "ah yes, they do this on Gaia too. Do you mind if I change the channel? I always like to see what I consider to be my greatest failure is doing these festive evenings" she inquired.

"Of course, you are our guest" Thor said, giving her the remote and she changed it to a scene from Gaia where a man with long silver hair and green glowing cat-like eyes sat alone in his apartment wearing a virtual reality helmet. They were treated to a view of him and what he was watching. They all watched for a while and got really bored.

"Who is this guy? Everything he's doing in virtually reality with the dark haired female is totally boring: going on picnics, having dinner together, getting married and having children. Even when he takes her to the bedroom, the sex scene is omitted. Doesn't this guy have a sex drive? What's his deal? I thought humans used these things to have sex with celebrities" Loki groused.

"His name's Sephiroth Crescent, he does have a sex drive but he is very repressed, the person he believed to be his father even gave him shots that killed his sex drive during his teenaged years and up until his late twenties to make sure he didn't procreate during casual sex, his sperm was considered too valuable for that. He doesn't even know about that. He simply thinks he wasn't interested in it. What he's watching in VR is a normal life, one that was denied to him" Minerva explained, looking sadly at the lonely man.

"He's different from other human" Thor observed.

"That's because his so-called father chose to play god and tampered with his DNA and added alien DNA to it. He's a lot different then he would have been otherwise, this is what he would have looked like" Minerva said and there on the screen appeared the same man only with short black hair and red eyes, his skin pigmentation was closer to that of a regular human and a wide, confident smile graced his features. "He would have been popular, outgoing and a natural leader. He would have married his high school sweetheart and gone onto becoming a brilliant doctor and have four children, all boys. People would have said he led a charmed life. But that never happened. He never even met the woman he would marry and she married someone else. Here's what happened to him during his first lifetime. I could do very little except try to influence his feelings, he's beyond my control because of what was added to him, I also try to influence those around him to try and give him a better future"

"That's sad. Did you consider another woman for him?" Odin asked, feeling sorry for the young man as he watched his progress from an isolated and lonely babyhood to becoming the emotionless young man with dead looking eyes.

"Yes there was a gentle and sweet girl he knew named Aerith who would have been the perfect balm for his internal wounds. I tried to sway her feelings toward him and she was interested and then met another and then...Sephiroth killed her.

"Killed her!" Loki said startled.

"Year of isolation, mental abuse and being used finally got to him. Learning of his true nature was enough to push him over the edge and the being that had her elements added to him took control of him and he went insane. There was nothing I could do for him during that time but just before then, I tried again. There was another girl he met, she was pretty and nice and I made him notice her when she was fifteen and him twenty seven" Minerva explained.

"Fifteen? I believe in modern times, he would go to jail for statutory rape for her age" Loki said.

"I made him just _notice_ her, they would have met again at her university graduation where he would have been a keynote speaker. Their age difference would still have been larger than most people liked, but not insurmountable" Minerva said defensively. "I was grasping at straws, being in an all male army didn't exactly make him meet a lot of women."

"So what happened to her?" Thor asked her.

"He practically split her in two when he went mad and then he took out Aerith soon after that. It was an utter disaster, he kept on getting killed and coming back as a lunatic until Aerith and I worked together in lifestream and managed to make the other DNA go inert in him. So now he's back and doing this" she said. "He hardly leaves his apartment, preferring to live in VR where he's loved and accepted. It's another New Year's Eve and he's about to start another program where he's celebrating it with his false family. It's so sad" Minerva said.

"Where is this fifteen year old?" Zeus asked her.

"The one he sliced and diced? Her name is Tifa Lockhart. She was healed and grew up to be a beautiful woman, opened a bar and joined a gang of freedom fighters to take up arms against him. She knows that he's back and he only lives a couple of minutes from her place, I saw to that. I can't seem to sway her, she hates his guts" Minerva said mournfully.

"His looks are unusual but he's still a good looking guy, can't he find a girl on his own?" Thor asked her.

"He's emotionally stunted and socially underdeveloped due to his upbringing. He's a virgin. He has no clue to how to approach a regular person socially and is a total fish out of water when it comes to women. Here he is attempting to speed date" Minerva said and they all watched as he either sat with a girl saying nothing or bored them to death with dull conversation. Either way, he received no phone numbers that evening.

"Ouch" Loki winced.

"That is just sad" Thor agreed.

"This Tifa, have you tried working with her?" Odin asked her.

"She's a tough nut to crack. I can make her admire him ecstatically but she would rather kill him then kiss him. He obviously still has a thing for her, that women in his VR programs; that's her" Minerva explained.

"Perhaps we could try if you would allow us influence over two of you creations?" Odin suggested.

"Be my guest" Minerva said. "You are each allowed two tries."

"So this is what happens..." Thor said.

Sephiroth was walking down the street when he heard someone calling his name and he almost didn't recognize the shy young beauty so conservatively dressed. She wore a blue cardigan sweater set and a long black skirt that reached her ankles, that just showed her sensible shoes and dangled her purse demurely before her. Her wealth of hair was in an updo and she wore only a single string of pearls at her throat.

"Miss Lockhart, did you require something?" he asked her and wondered why she looked up at him so worshipfully.

"I was wondering if you like bats." she said with a blush.

"Bats? Those lblack mice-like creatures that fly. Not particularly. They tend to fly into me when I take wing quite often, there nothing like getting a face full of leathery wings. Why are you asking?" he asked her.

"The new Batman movie starts tonight and I am looking for a handsome young gentleman to escort me there" she said.

"Ooooookay, I guess you should ask one of your friends" he said, wondering why she was acting so oddly.

"If I might be so bold, I thought perhaps you could go with me" she said in a flurry of words as if having gotten all of her courage together to ask him this.

"I don't see the point of going to see fantasy movies like that. Fiction of any sort makes my brain ache at how improbable it is with all of its scientific inconsistencies. No, I suggest you find someone else" he said dismissively.

"That's so not her" Minerva interrupted and Thor's version of Tifa winked out of existence and Sephiroth could only look around to where the girl might have gone and then shrugged and continued on his way.

"That's how she's presented in his VR programs" Thor objected.

"Tifa's a ballsy girl" Loki said. "This will work..."

Sephiroth was shocked when he ran into another version of Tifa, she looked much different from before. She wore a sparkly red strapless sheath dress that was slit high up one thigh, her hair was in wild curls and her dark makeup made her look sultry.

"Miss Lockhart" he said, raising his eyebrows at her transformation.

"I like the way you say my name. But it would sound better moaned at the height of your orgasm" she purred at him.

"Excuse me?" he said rearing back in shock from her.

"Come on sexy, I know exactly what you need and that is a good hard fu..." she said placing her hands on his chest and leaning against him and he accidently looked down. It was suddenly like he was a thermometer filled with red mercury as it rose slowly up his throat to the very tips of his ears as that his eyes were looking at. The way she leaned allowed him a very good look of her nude chest.

"What do you think you're doing? Miss Lockhart. I did caution you about my aversion to touch" he interrupted stepping back and then froze when he realize her hands were cupping the cheeks of his ass. "Unhand me, what has gotten into you" he demanded, pushing her groping hands away.

"Come on baby, I know what a man like you needs" she said advancing forward again.

"I don't need anything from you" he said backing up and then gasping when he hit a wall.

She leaned against him "I'm going to rock your world. Have you ever had sex in public? It's such a rush! Let's get you out of those pants so we can..." she suggested as she touched his fly and vanished and this time he wondered if he was going mad.

"She's not a nymphomaniac sex kitten either" Minerva objected, causing Loki's version to vanish.

"He looked terrified" Thor gloated.

"You both should take a lesson from the master" Odin said. "Now this will work for sure..."

Sephiroth continued his walk but felt rather jumpy at being bombarded by Tifas. he kept glancing around and almost jumped out of his skin when he heard someone say his name and he saw Tifa standing there wheeling a cart full of flowers. He took in her long button up pink dress, red bolero jacket and brown boots. Her long hair was in a braid and a pink ribbon adorned the top of it. He quickly realized she was dressed as Aerith and looked nervously back at her.

"Please won't you help me get my flowers to the church?" she asked him in a very sweet voice.

"Um-sure" he said and took a hold of the handles of the cart to wheel it for her and was relieved when she did nothing but walk quietly beside him until they got there.

"Please will you come pray with me?" Tifa requested and knelt at the altar.

"I guess so" Sephiroth said and knelt down beside her and then looked on as she and the cart vanished and ran terrified eyes all over the building before bolting from it.

"Really dad? Dressing her as a woman he killed is just plain creepy" Thor said.

"Are you trying to traumatize him?" Loki objected.

"He had a thing for her..." Odin said.

"I see you all are fairing no better than I did" Minerva gloated.

"I can do better" Thor insisted.

Sephiroth was now officially paranoid as he examined each curve and laneway of the street ahead in case Tifa would spring out from nowhere, only to vanish again. "Hey Sephiroth, what do you think of my new look?" a familiar voice asked him and he looked questioningly where Tifa had had her hair dyed silver and was wearing green cat eye contacts. She wore a version of his uniform, but her breasts were much pretty on display on either side the criss crossed harness, her trench concealing only her nipples and in place of pants, she wore hot pants and was bare to her tall boots.

He opened his mouth to speak and she vanished only to be replaced with a figure he vaguely remembered.

"He's not a narcissist. He doesn't like his exotic looks as it, so seeing her dressed like that isn't doing a thing for him" Minerva objected.

"Oh I thought he might go for that" Thor complained.

"You might be on to something bro, let me try this" Loki said.

Sephiroth was confused who Tifa was supposed to be now. Her silver, red and black uniform was barely there, with a red fur cape covering her butt. She got up and walked around him with her hips swaying seductively and placed her hand on his arm, while he just looked nervously at her. "How would you like to paint the town red with me tonight darling?" she asked him in a Romanian accent.

"I would love to if you will first come meet a friend of mine. I just need to give him a call, stay right there" he insisted.

"Come on Miss Lockhart" he insisted and he led her into a building that look suspiciously like a hospital.

"What's going on?" she demanded when two orderlies seized her on either side.

"I'm sorry Miss Lockhart. This is my doctor, Mr. Martin" Sephiroth explained. "He's a psychiatrist who is helping me work through my own mental health issues. I think he might be able to help you" he said with regret in his voice.

"Hello Miss Lockhart, Sephiroth has suggested you might have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I would like to admit you to the hospital to run some tests, for your own protection of course" the doctor said in a soothing way.

"But I'm not crazy" she said struggling against the larger men. "Let me go" she demanded.

"Sorry, Miss Lockhart, I didn't want for this to happen. You have to be careful when it comes to your mental health; trust me I know" Sephiroth apologized.

"Release me" she screamed as the doctor brought the syringe towards her, he plunged it into her arms and soon her eyes drooped shut and then she vanished and everyone just looked questioningly at each other.

"Come on, that chick is crazy and I doubt he's ever met her" Minerva objected.

"She's right Loki" Thor agreed.

"Guys like weird chicks" Loki insisted.

"No, you do" Thor corrected him.

"Minerva, I have one final turn. Please wipe his memory before he actually goes mad again" Odin insisted.

"Okay" Minerva agreed.

"What do you mean I came in here to commit Tifa Lockhart? I certainly don't know her well enough to commit her" Sephiroth insisted. "I was just on my way to the grocery store and now I find myself here."

"You don't remember her being here at all?" Dr. Martin asked him.

"No I don't even recall what I'm doing here. We don't have an appointment today" Sephiroth objected.

"Perhaps you would like to have a brief session with me before you go?" Dr. Martin asked him.

"Doctor, perhaps I can call a doctor for you? Talking about females being committed by me when I have no say in their lives and then vanishing into thin air is a tad, pardon my Wutai, nuts. Besides, I'm not crazy; you told me so" he said and left.

He proceeded to the grocery store and was glad to see that there was one bottle of his favourite champagne left and went to grab it, when someone else did at the same time and a hand closed over his. He looked to find Tifa Lockhart standing beside him.

"Hello Sephiroth, sorry you warned me about your aversion to touch" she said hastily and respectfully removing her hand from his.

"Miss Lockhart, I'm sorry did you want this bottle" he asked handing it to her.

"I'll get something else, you probably need it for the glittering night you have planned" she insisted.

"If by glittering night: you mean me, myself and I at my place toasting in the New Year. Yes I certainly do have quite the plans. Simply scandalous" he said with self depreciating good humour.

"Sounds about what I'm doing" she said with a crooked smile.

"But you have so many friends" he said with surprise.

"Who all made other arrangements, even Vincent is spoken for. So I'm making myself a very special dinner and then watching a movie and having a toast at midnight, I might actually go to bed after that. Even more scandalous" she replied.

"That actually sounds fun" he said. Thinking of the VR program waiting for him that starred the woman in front of him and suddenly felt guilty about using her image that way, he had no right.

"Would you like to join me?" she asked him out of the blue.

"But you hate me" he said, raising an eyebrow at this.

"You're part of my New Year's resolution; I have to learn to forgive, you're not how you were and I've changed too. I don't want to hate forever, my father would kick my ass, he was a kind man. I'm not saying it will happen overnight, but you're welcome to join me" she said.

"You won't try to poison me?" he asked her.

"I'll taste test everything before you eat or drink something" she promised him.

"Very well I accept, what time shall I be there?" he asked her. "I should put on something more suitable for the occasion" he said looking down at his plain black cotton button up shirt and worn blue jeans.

"You don't need to dress up, you can even come home with me now and I'll set you to work peeling carrots."

"That is acceptable" he agreed. "What movie are we watching?" he asked her.

"I managed to download the new Batman movie" she said.

"I can hardly wait" he sourly muttered under his breath as he helped her complete her grocery shopping.

"It's perfect" Minerva said admiringly.

"How so?" Loki demanded.

"You failed to take into account the laws of attraction and the human heart's capacity to forgive, whelp" Odin said.

"There was already an attraction in place..." Minerva explained.

" and Tifa has a forgiving nature and kind heart who see loneliness in others and tries to help them" Odin said.

"So now what?" They live happily ever after?" Thor asked them sarcastically.

"No, they forge a bond from tonight and he gets help for his intimacy issues, that she gently supports him in until they are able to kiss about six months from now and then make love for the first time on this night a year from now" she said in a happy voice.

"He has to wait all that time?" Loki said in an incredulous voice.

"It will work out for them" Minerva said.

"Then what happens?" Loki asked.

"Then they are in the Goddess's hands and she is kind to those she favours, so I think they shall have a great life" Odin said with the wisdom of the ages in his voice, effectively silencing both his sons. Minerva just smiled, being the Goddess of Wisdom she was.


End file.
